When You No Longer Want to Live- US02-Vol II

When You No Longer Want to Live- Vol I

Understanding Yourself in Hard Times, Finding New Hope

Fang Tianliang 

(Continued with Volume I)

Part Three　Six Stories

 

Chapter 7　Six People, Six Ways of "Not Wanting to Live"

The six people below are fictional composites based on common situations. None of them is a real individual. The section "How Chinese medicine might describe it" uses the theoretical language of traditional medicine to describe this kind of picture; it is not a diagnosis of the character. The section "How modern medicine sees it" is a general introduction only; any real situation needs assessment by a professional.

1. Jamie: fifteen, another world inside his phone

Jamie is fifteen. He was born and grew up in Manchester and is in Year 10. His parents run a takeaway and work from the afternoon until late at night. His father often says: "We work this hard so that you'll make something of yourself."

In Year 9, a few classmates started making fun of his looks and his accent. It turned into pushing him in the corridor and grabbing his bag. Someone posted a video of him being knocked over in the class group chat, and the replies were full of laughing emojis. He told a teacher, who said she would "look into it", and then nothing happened. He didn't tell his parents; he thought it was pointless, and that he would only be told off for "causing trouble instead of studying".

His mid-year results dropped sharply. At a Chinese New Year family gathering, his father said in front of the relatives: "What's the use of raising you?" That night Jamie shut himself in his room and scrolled on his phone until dawn.

Later he joined an online group. The people in it were about his age, and they all said life was pointless. At first he felt that at last someone understood him. But gradually the messages became frightening: people egged each other on and goaded one another. Late one night, Jamie posted on his own social media account: "I really don't want to live anymore."

His classmate Amy saw it. She hesitated for a long time, worried that Jamie would think she was interfering. Early the next morning she went to their form tutor anyway.

The form tutor immediately told the school's Designated Safeguarding Lead. That same day the safeguarding lead sat down with Jamie. She didn't criticise him; she just asked what had been happening, and contacted his parents.

When his father got the call, his first reaction was anger. But when he arrived at school and saw his son sitting there with his head down, he couldn't find any words. That evening at home, for the first time, he said to Jamie: "I'm sorry. What I said in front of the relatives was wrong."

The school dealt with the bullying, and the video was taken down from the group chat. The GP referred Jamie to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS). With his parents beside him, he left the online group and reported the content that encouraged people to harm themselves. His parents and teachers agreed to stop focusing only on grades, and to let him get his sleep and mood back on track first.

Six months later, Jamie said: "I used to think adults would never understand. Then I found out that if you find the right person, someone will really listen." His father closed the takeaway on Sundays, and that became the day the whole family eats together.

How Chinese medicine might describe it

In the theoretical language of Chinese medicine, low mood and a reversed sleep pattern in a teenager might be described as "liver qi stagnation" or "excess heart fire". This is only a traditional description. Young people under 18 should not take herbal medicines, Chinese patent medicines or supplements on their own; any such care should be under medical guidance.

How modern medicine sees it

Adolescence is a time of rapid change in the brain and emotions. Teenagers are especially sensitive to peers' opinions, humiliation and exclusion; after a conflict, public criticism or online bullying, their feelings can escalate sharply within a very short time. Bullying, cyberbullying, academic pressure and family conflict often pile up together. In recent years, suicide among children and young people has become a growing concern in several countries; for example, a study published in China CDC Weekly found that the suicide rate among Chinese children aged 5–14 rose markedly between 2010 and 2021. So when a young person says "I don't want to live", whether it sounds serious or "just talk", it should always be taken seriously.

Toolbox

What you can do yourself: tell an adult you trust, such as a parent, teacher or school counsellor; if the first adult doesn't take it seriously, tell another; leave online groups that make you feel worse, and block or report content that encourages self-harm; save screenshots of bullying and give them to an adult to deal with.

Professional help: your school's Designated Safeguarding Lead or counsellor; a GP can refer you to CAMHS; Childline 0800 1111 (free, 24 hours, won't show on the phone bill, online chat available); Papyrus HOPELINE247 0800 068 4141 (for under-35s, 24 hours); in mainland China, the 12355 youth service line.

Chinese medicine and mind–body practice: a regular routine, time outdoors and sport all help young people's mood and sleep. Young people should not use herbal medicines or supplements on their own.

Did You Know?

In the UK, every school and college should have a Designated Safeguarding Lead, responsible for concerns about pupils' safety, including bullying and mental health crises. Pupils, parents and classmates can all go to them directly. If you see a friend online saying they want to hurt themselves, telling an adult isn't "grassing them up". It is protecting them.

2. Lily: twenty, her first winter far from home

Lily is an only child. At nineteen she came to Britain to study for a degree. Before she left, her parents sold a flat in their home town to pay for her studies.

In her first term, her English couldn't keep up with seminar discussions and she struggled to get a word in during group work. In her second term, the boyfriend she had been with for over a year ended things from back home. In the end-of-year exams, she failed two modules.

That winter, it was dark by four in the afternoon. Lily stopped going to lectures and stayed in her room all day with the curtains drawn, ordering takeaways when she was hungry, sleeping until noon and lying awake until dawn. Every time she video-called her parents, she pulled herself together and said, "I'm fine, just a bit busy."

What she was really thinking was: my parents have given up so much for me, and I've made such a mess of things. I'm a burden. They'd be better off without me.

The turning point came one night in the small hours. Searching aimlessly online, she came across the number of a student listening line. She hesitated for a long time, then called. The person who answered was a fellow student volunteer, who didn't try to persuade her of anything, but simply listened for over an hour. Before hanging up, the volunteer asked, "Would you be willing to visit the student support centre tomorrow? I can tell you how to book."

The next day, she went. The university counsellor helped her contact a GP, who assessed her, arranged psychological therapy and talked with her about whether medication might help. The university agreed to let her resit her exams later. Later, after talking it over with her academic tutor, she switched to a course that suited her better. "It turns out I don't have to stick to the original plan," she said. Three months on, she finally found the courage to tell her mother the truth over video. Her mother cried and said, "Silly girl, you matter more than anything."

How Chinese medicine might describe it

In the theoretical language of Chinese medicine, this kind of picture is often described as "liver qi stagnation" or "heart and spleen deficiency": unexpressed emotion and excessive worry affecting the heart and spleen, showing up as poor sleep, disordered appetite, tiredness and low mood. This is only a traditional way of grouping symptoms and cannot replace a psychiatric assessment.

How modern medicine sees it

Weeks of low mood, loss of interest, disturbed sleep and low self-worth, together with suicidal thoughts, need professional assessment for possible depression. International students face combined pressures of language, culture, study and loneliness, and are among the groups at higher risk for mental health problems. Short winter days may also lower some people's mood.

Toolbox

What you can do yourself: tell one person the truth; open the curtains and get outside in daylight; eat regular meals.

Professional help: the university's student support or counselling service; register with a GP; in a crisis, call NHS 111 or Samaritans on 116 123. Many universities have a student-run night-time listening line (Nightline); whether one exists and its hours vary by university.

Chinese medicine and mind–body practice: once mood is steadier and professional treatment is in place, gentle exercises such as Baduanjin or Tai Chi can be tried. If considering herbal medicine, see a properly qualified practitioner and tell them about every medicine you are taking.

Did You Know?

Many UK universities have a process for "extenuating circumstances" or "mitigating circumstances". If your health has affected your studies, you can apply to defer exams or extend deadlines. Many students don't know about this and struggle on alone.

3. Sam: thirty-eight, silence in the kitchen

Sam came to Britain at sixteen with people from his home village and has worked in Chinese restaurant kitchens for more than twenty years. He works twelve-hour days with one day off a week. His wife and two children are in China, and each month he sends most of his wages home.

A few years ago he and a friend opened a takeaway together, borrowing a large sum. Business was poor, the shop closed, the friend stopped answering his calls, and all the debt fell on Sam.

Sam never talked about his troubles. After work, alone in his rented room, he drank: at first a can or two of beer, later half a bottle of spirits. Only after drinking could he sleep. He would wake with a pounding head and go back to work.

He began to feel that he was alive only to pay off debts he would never clear. One night, after drinking heavily, he sent his wife a long voice message saying he was sorry to her and the children.

His wife was terrified when she heard it and immediately rang his cousin in Britain. The cousin rushed over that night and stayed with Sam until morning. The next day, he took Sam to see a GP. Sam's English is limited, so his cousin asked for a Mandarin interpreter.

After assessing him, the GP referred him to local mental health services and suggested free debt advice. A debt adviser helped him sort out what he owed and negotiate a repayment plan with his creditors. With support from the doctor and his family, he gradually cut down his drinking. He also stopped insisting that he must reopen the shop, and settled for steady work in the restaurant, paying off a little of the debt each month according to plan.

Sam said later: "I always thought a man shouldn't talk about his troubles. That night my cousin sat next to me and didn't say anything, and I cried. After crying, it didn't feel quite so heavy."

How Chinese medicine might describe it

In the theoretical language of Chinese medicine, long-term overwork, worry and drinking might be described as "liver stagnation turning to fire", "internal damp-heat" or "depletion of qi and blood". This is a traditional way of grouping symptoms and cannot replace a modern medical assessment of depression, alcohol use and suicide risk.

How modern medicine sees it

Long-term drinking, financial hardship, social isolation and very long working hours are all risk factors to take seriously. Alcohol deepens depression and weakens self-control, and is especially dangerous in a crisis. Men are often less likely to seek help and may only come to attention when things are already very serious.

Toolbox

What you can do yourself: tell someone you trust; don't drink during a crisis; list your practical problems and tackle them one at a time.

Professional help: register with a GP and ask for an interpreter; Britain has free debt advice services, such as StepChange (0800 138 1111), National Debtline (0808 808 4000) and Citizens Advice; for help with drinking, a GP can refer you to local services.

Chinese medicine and mind–body practice: alcohol dependence should be managed with a doctor's guidance; don't suddenly stop heavy drinking on your own. Chinese medicine can play a supporting role but cannot replace treatment for alcohol dependence.

Did You Know?

In the UK, NHS-arranged interpreting for GP appointments and other NHS services is free. When booking, say which language you need; you don't have to rely on family or friends to translate. For private matters, a professional interpreter is often more suitable than a relative or friend.

4. Helen: forty-nine, hollowed out in mid-life

Helen is an accountant. Her husband runs a business in China, and she came to Britain to support their son through secondary school. In the autumn when her son left home for university, she discovered that her husband had another family in China.

At almost the same time, her menopausal symptoms became pronounced: hot flushes and night sweats, waking several times a night; palpitations and irritability by day; her memory slipping and mistakes piling up at work.

She felt her life had been hollowed out: her husband had betrayed her, her son no longer needed her, and her body was failing. She began to wonder what the past half-century had been for.

She told no one. To relatives and friends, she had always been the capable, composed woman who handled everything.

One day she broke down and cried for a long time in the office toilets. A colleague noticed, and at the end of the day quietly asked, "Are you all right lately? If you'd like to talk, I'm here."

That evening, for the first time, Helen told someone what had happened over the past few months. The colleague helped her book a GP appointment. The GP discussed treatment options for her menopausal symptoms and arranged psychological therapy. She also found a solicitor and began to learn about her rights in the marriage. She asked her employer to reduce her workload for a while, and for the first time allowed herself not to be so "capable".

Helen said: "I thought I always had to hold it together. It turns out that when you can't, you're allowed to say so."

How Chinese medicine might describe it

In the theoretical language of Chinese medicine, symptoms at this stage of life are often described as "liver and kidney yin deficiency" or "heart and kidney failing to communicate", together with constrained emotion. This is only a traditional description; menopausal symptoms and emotional problems both need a doctor's assessment.

How modern medicine sees it

Hormonal changes during the menopause can affect sleep and mood. Combined with life events such as divorce and an "empty nest", they can greatly increase the psychological load. There are several treatment options for menopausal symptoms; whether hormone treatment is suitable needs discussing with a doctor. Persistent low mood and suicidal thoughts need specific assessment.

Toolbox

What you can do yourself: tell a friend you trust; keep a basic daily routine; allow yourself not to be so "capable" for a while.

Professional help: a GP can assess menopausal symptoms and mood; in England, you can refer yourself for psychological therapy through NHS Talking Therapies; for marriage and property matters, seek legal advice.

Chinese medicine and mind–body practice: a properly qualified practitioner may offer suggestions based on pattern differentiation, but the indications and cautions for any Chinese patent or herbal medicine are set by the product information and medical advice. Don't choose products yourself, and especially don't combine them with hormone or other treatments without advice.

Did You Know?

In England, in many areas you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies without seeing a GP first. It offers free psychological therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). You usually need to be 18 or over (16 in some areas) and registered with a GP.

5. Frank: sixty-six, growing old alone

Frank ran a grocery shop in Britain for more than thirty years and retired five years ago. Last year, his wife of forty years died after an illness. His son and daughter both work in London and visit once a month.

Frank has had back and leg pain for years, and lately it has got worse; at night the pain keeps him awake. He takes several medicines every day: for blood pressure, for pain, for sleep. The tablets at home keep piling up.

He goes out less and less. He stopped going to the Chinese community centre he used to visit, saying it was pointless. He sits in front of the television all day and can't be bothered to cook.

He often thinks: now my wife has gone, I'm no use to anyone. I'm just a burden on my children.

When his daughter came home, she found her father much thinner, the kitchen cold and unused, and his pill boxes in disarray. She sat down and asked him how he was. After a long silence, Frank said, "I want to go and be with your mother."

His daughter didn't panic or scold him. She held his hand and said, "Dad, thank you for telling me. Let's work this out together." The next day she took him to the GP, and asked the pharmacist to help sort all his medicines. She now keeps them and puts them into weekly pill organisers.

The GP reviewed Frank's pain treatment, arranged bereavement counselling and referred him to community mental health services. Volunteers from the community centre began visiting him every week. Six months later, Frank was back at the centre playing Chinese chess.

How Chinese medicine might describe it

In the theoretical language of Chinese medicine, grief after bereavement is linked with "sorrow makes qi dissipate". Together with age, frailty and long-term pain, this might be described as "deficiency of qi and blood" or "liver and kidney insufficiency". This is a traditional description; emotional problems and medication safety in older people need a doctor's assessment.

How modern medicine sees it

Bereavement, living alone, chronic pain and taking many medicines are all risk factors to take seriously in older people. Depression in later life is often mistaken for "just getting old" and overlooked. When there are many medicines at home, having a family member help keep and organise them is an important safety measure.

Toolbox

What you can do yourself: say how you feel; ask family to help organise and look after your medicines; talk to at least one person every day.

Professional help: a GP can review pain and medication; Britain has bereavement support services, such as Cruse Bereavement Support (0808 808 1677); people aged 55 and over can call Age UK's Silver Line on 0800 4 70 80 90, where someone is available to chat 24 hours a day.

Chinese medicine and mind–body practice: gentle exercise such as Tai Chi may help some older people's mood and body, but should match their physical condition. Older people taking several Western medicines must consult a doctor or pharmacist before trying herbal medicine, to avoid interactions.

Did You Know?

In the UK, community pharmacists can check all the medicines a person is taking for duplication, interactions or items no longer needed. Many pharmacies also offer weekly pill organisers; services vary from pharmacy to pharmacy.

6. Grace: thirty-one, a new mother's long nights

Grace is a designer. She had her first baby at thirty. She had expected to feel happy after the birth, but found herself crying every day.

The baby woke every two hours at night, and she had barely had a full night's sleep. Her husband worked during the day and was exhausted in the evenings. Both sets of grandparents were in China and couldn't come for now.

She felt she was failing as a mother: everyone else seemed to manage their babies well, while she was all over the place. When the baby cried, she would suddenly feel that nothing meant anything. Sometimes she thought: without me, my baby might have a better mother.

She didn't dare tell anyone, afraid people would think she "didn't love her baby", and even more afraid her baby would be taken away.

At a routine postnatal visit, the health visitor noticed how she seemed and gently asked a few questions about her mood. Grace finally broke down in tears and told the truth.

The health visitor didn't criticise her. Instead, she said: "By telling me, you are protecting yourself and your baby. Many mothers go through this, and it can be treated." That same day she helped Grace contact her GP, who then referred her to the perinatal mental health service. Her husband took time off to share the night feeds.

A few months later, Grace said: "I thought I was a bad mother. Later I understood I was ill, and the illness could get better. My baby doesn't need a perfect mother. My baby needs a mother who is still here."

How Chinese medicine might describe it

In the theoretical language of Chinese medicine, this kind of postnatal picture is often described as "postpartum deficiency of qi and blood", "heart and spleen deficiency" or "liver qi stagnation". This is a traditional description; postnatal emotional problems need early assessment by a doctor, and any medicine during breastfeeding must follow medical advice.

How modern medicine sees it

Postnatal depression is not rare, and it does not mean someone "doesn't love her baby" or is "doing it wrong". Severe sleep deprivation, lack of support and hormonal change may all play a part. Thoughts of suicide, or of harming the baby, need immediate help. A small number of mothers develop a more serious postnatal mental illness that needs urgent medical care.

Toolbox

What you can do yourself: tell your partner or family how you feel; ask for help sharing night-time care; sleep whenever you can.

Professional help: health visitors, midwives and GPs can all assess postnatal mood; there are perinatal mental health services across the UK; there are also charities supporting parents, such as the PANDAS Foundation (free helpline 0808 1961 776, open weekday daytimes).

Chinese medicine and mind–body practice: while breastfeeding, always consult a doctor or pharmacist before using any herbal or Chinese patent medicine. Gentle stretching and walking can be built up gradually once the body has recovered.

Did You Know?

In the UK, when a mother talks about emotional difficulties, the most common result is more support and treatment, not having her baby taken away. Health professionals' first aim is to help both mother and baby be safe and well. Every situation is different; if you are worried, you can ask the professional directly what will happen next.

7. What the six stories have in common

Six people, six situations: a secondary school pupil, an overseas student, a restaurant worker, a woman in mid-life, an older man living alone, a new mother. The sources of their pain were all different, but their paths out share a few things:

First, each had a moment of speaking up. Jamie posted a message and Amy told a teacher for him; Lily made a phone call, Sam sent a voice message, Helen cried in front of a colleague, Frank told his daughter the truth, Grace told the health visitor what was really happening.

Second, someone caught each of them. The people who caught them didn't lecture or blame; they listened carefully and then went with them to find help.

Third, each received professional help. GP care, psychological therapy, medication, debt advice, legal advice, bereavement counselling: different problems needed different kinds of help.

Fourth, they all adjusted what they demanded of themselves. Jamie's parents stopped focusing only on grades, Lily changed course, Sam let go of reopening his shop, Helen reduced her workload, Frank accepted care from his children and volunteers, and Grace stopped expecting herself to be a "perfect mother".

Fifth, recovery took time for all of them. None of them got better overnight.

If you see yourself in any of them, please remember: the moment they spoke up was where the turning point began.

A Line from the Classics

"The patient is the root, the physician is the branch; if root and branch do not work together, the illness will not yield." (Suwen, "On Decoctions and Wines")

In plain words: the ancients knew that treatment needs patient and physician to work together. When you speak up, you are taking the first step together with the people who can help you.

 

Part Four　When You Already Don't Want to Live

 

Chapter 8　What Should I Do First, Today?

1. Today, you don't have to solve your whole life

As I write this chapter, I picture a reader sitting alone under a lamp late at night. I don't know what you have been through, but I do know that if you have read this far, part of you is still looking for a way through.

Perhaps debts are crushing you. Perhaps you have lost a precious relationship. Perhaps you have been ill, in pain or unable to sleep for a long time, or you are living alone far from home with nobody to confide in. Or perhaps you can't say what has happened, only that every morning you wake feeling exhausted and empty, unable to care about anything.

If you are in a moment like this, please don't ask yourself to answer "what is the meaning of my life?" right now. That question can wait.

Today, you only need to deal with what matters most: keep yourself safe, let someone know how you are, and find people who can help.

You don't have to wait until you completely fall apart before you are entitled to ask for help.

2. First, decide whether you need urgent help

We can't judge danger only by whether someone has a definite plan, nor only by a mood questionnaire. If you feel you might hurt yourself soon, or you can't be sure of keeping yourself safe right now, that in itself is reason to get help immediately.

Situation one: you are in danger now. If you have already hurt yourself, are preparing to, or are worried you might act very soon, call emergency services now, or ask someone to take you to A&E. In the UK, call 999 or go to A&E; in mainland China, call 120 or 110. Don't wait alone, and don't leave this danger until tomorrow.

Situation two: no immediate danger, but you urgently need help. If suicidal thoughts are becoming more frequent or stronger, or you feel you can't hold on much longer, get professional help the same day, even if you can keep yourself safe for now: contact your GP, or call NHS 111 (choose the mental health option in England and Scotland, Option 2 in Wales); in Northern Ireland, call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. If you just want someone to talk to, call Samaritans on 116 123. A listening line can offer emotional support, but it cannot replace an urgent medical assessment when one is needed.

Situation three: low for a long time, but no immediate danger. If you have persistent poor sleep, low mood, loss of interest in things you used to enjoy, or the occasional thought of not wanting to live, it is worth seeing a doctor soon, even if you are still managing work and daily life. You don't need to wait two full weeks. Two weeks is a reference point used in some diagnoses, not a threshold for asking for help.

You can ask for help at any stage.

3. Make today's surroundings safer

Safety is not only a state of mind; it also needs practical arrangements.

Try not to be alone. Ask family, friends or neighbours to come and be with you, or to go with you to a health service. If you are on your own abroad with no family nearby, you can contact health services directly. Don't leave yourself in danger because you are afraid of bothering people.

Put things you could use to hurt yourself out of reach. If there are many medicines or other potentially dangerous items at home, ask someone you trust to look after them for a while. Keep taking any prescribed medicines as directed; don't stop them on your own.

Don't drink for now. Alcohol lowers judgement and self-control and makes already strong feelings harder to manage. When you are already having suicidal thoughts, drinking clearly increases the danger.

Don't make big decisions when you are at your lowest. Debts, marriage, work and family relationships all need proper attention, but many things don't have to be settled tonight.

4. Put your pain into words

For many people, the hardest part is not going to hospital, but admitting that they need help.

Some don't want their family to worry. Some feel they have already disappointed their parents and don't want to add to it. Some fear their friends will look down on them. Some were taught from childhood that men don't cry, family matters stay in the family, and you must solve problems yourself. For people living far from home, language and an unfamiliar health system make speaking up even harder.

But you don't have to have your story neatly sorted out before you speak. You can simply say:

"I've been feeling really bad lately."

"I've had thoughts of not wanting to live."

"I'm worried it isn't safe for me to be on my own."

"Could you be with me for a while right now?"

If you can't say it face to face, send a text. If you, or a parent you are helping, find it hard to explain in English, show the doctor or friend the message on the safety page at the front of this book.

Asking for help is not asking someone to solve your whole life. It is making sure you don't face immediate danger alone.

5. If the first person doesn't understand

Sometimes you work up the courage to speak, and the other person says: "You're overthinking it." "Other people have it much worse." "You'll feel better after a good night's sleep."

These words can leave you even more disappointed. But one person failing to understand you doesn't mean your pain doesn't deserve to be taken seriously. Some relatives do care, but don't know how to respond; they may feel frightened or flustered, even covering their helplessness with blame.

If your first attempt doesn't bring the help you need, try someone else, or contact a professional directly. If you are in immediate danger, don't keep waiting for someone to understand; contact emergency services straight away.

6. What happens after you speak up?

Many people don't dare speak up because they fear the consequences: will I be forced into hospital? Will it affect my job, my studies or my immigration status?

It depends on the situation. Most of the time, doctors and helpline staff first assess your safety and then work out the next steps with you: perhaps a follow-up appointment, a referral for therapy, or a discussion about medication. Only if they think you are in serious danger might they contact other people or arrange further care.

If you are worried, you can ask directly: "What will happen next?" You have a right to know.

Compared with the danger in front of you, these worries can all be dealt with later. First stay alive; everything else can still be worked out.

7. Make yourself a safety plan

When you feel a little steadier, you can make a personal safety plan together with a doctor, a mental health professional or someone you trust. It is not a guarantee about the future, but a prompt card you can take out at once when things get hard.

1.     My warning signs: what changes tell me I'm getting worse? For example, several nights without sleep, stopping contact with people, constant self-blame, suicidal thoughts getting stronger.

2.     Things that help me feel a little steadier: for example, sitting for a while somewhere safe with people around, listening to familiar music, doing a simple everyday task.

3.     People I can contact: write down the names and numbers of two or three people, and tell them in advance: "If one day I say I can't cope, please listen to me properly and help me contact a professional."

4.     Professional services: my GP, the nearest A&E, mental health services, crisis line numbers.

5.     Ways to make my surroundings safer: agree with someone you trust how to reduce time alone and manage things you could use to hurt yourself when danger arises.

Keep the plan somewhere easy to find on your phone, or print it out and keep it in your wallet. Update it when things change. There is a blank safety plan at the back of this book that you can fill in.

8. If I live in the UK but don't know how to see a doctor

A GP is a general practitioner, who can assess common physical and mental health problems and arrange further services when needed. Registering with a GP in the UK is free.

If you need urgent mental health help but your life is not in immediate danger, you can call NHS 111. You can use 111 even if you are not registered with a GP.

If you are already in danger, call 999 or go straight to A&E. You don't need a GP referral or an appointment.

If English is not your first language, or you are helping a parent who doesn't speak much English, don't let that stop you. GP appointments and NHS services can arrange interpreters, paid for by the health service. When calling or booking, you can say:

"I need a Mandarin interpreter."

"I need a Cantonese interpreter."

In an emergency, first make clear that you need emergency help, then ask for language support. Don't lose time trying to find a translator.

9. Once you are safe, deal with life's difficulties one at a time

If debt is what drove you to despair, you need debt advice. If it is your marriage or family, you may need emotional support, legal advice or somewhere safe to live. If it is long-term illness or pain, your treatment needs reviewing. If it is long-term insomnia, you need a doctor to help find the cause.

These problems usually can't be solved by "just look on the bright side", but they can be tackled one by one. Chapter 12 covers this in more detail.

Today, get help. Tomorrow, deal with one practical problem.

10. Understanding yourself: what do I need most right now?

Throughout this book we return to "understanding yourself". But understanding yourself is not about grading yourself, finding reasons why you failed, or proving how strong you are.

When someone hurts so much they don't want to go on living, the most important understanding may be these questions: what am I carrying right now? What help do I need? What can I not carry alone? Who can face this with me?

If you are still in danger, you don't have to answer these questions alone; contact someone first. If you are safe, you can look for answers slowly, when the time is right, with someone you trust or a professional.

This chapter doesn't ask you to fall back in love with life today. It only hopes you know this: when you feel you have run out of options, you can still tell someone about your difficulties, so that today no longer rests on you alone.

A Line from the Classics

"Close the doors and windows, attend fully to the patient, ask about their condition again and again, and follow their wishes." (Suwen, "On Shifting the Essence and Changing the Qi")

In plain words: physicians more than two thousand years ago understood that helping a patient say what is in their heart is part of the treatment.

One Thing You Can Do Today

Right now, send someone a message on your phone: "I haven't been doing well lately. Can I talk to you?"

Understanding Yourself

Who could I contact right now? If I can't think of anyone, which helpline would I be willing to try first?

 

Chapter 9　How Do I Tell Someone I Really Can't Cope?

1. Why is it so hard to speak?

The last chapter explained why speaking up matters. But knowing you should speak and actually saying the words are a long way apart.

Many people rehearse it countless times, only to swallow the words at the last moment. There are many reasons:

•       Fear of being a burden. "Everyone's busy; I don't want to add to their troubles."

•       Fear of being looked down on. "They'll think I'm weak or making a fuss."

•       Fear the other person won't know what to do. "Even if I tell them they can't help; they'll just be upset too."

•       Fear of consequences. "Will I be sent to hospital? Will people find out?"

•       Having been dismissed before. "Last time I said something, they told me I was overthinking."

•       Not being able to explain. "I don't even know what's wrong with me, how can I tell anyone?"

These worries are real, and there's no need to blame yourself for them. But I'd like you to think about this: if the person you love most were in your situation, would you want them to tell you? Would you see them as a burden?

Most people answer: of course I'd want them to tell me.

2. Choosing whom to tell

You don't need to tell everyone at once. One person you feel relatively safe with is enough. It doesn't have to be the person closest to you, but someone who:

•       you believe will listen properly;

•       is unlikely to rush to lecture or criticise;

•       could go with you to get help when needed.

It could be a friend, a sibling, a colleague, a teacher, someone from a faith community, or a doctor you already know.

If you really can't think of anyone, professionals and helplines can be "that person". They are trained, hear these words every day, and will not think less of you.

3. Words you can use

To family or friends:

"There's something I want to tell you; it may be a bit heavy. I've been in a really bad way lately, and sometimes I have thoughts of not wanting to live. I don't need you to fix anything right away. I just want you to know, and I'd like you to come with me to see a doctor."

If saying all that is too hard, you can just start: "I'm in a bad way lately. Have you got time to listen?" The rest can come slowly.

To a GP:

"I've been feeling very low for several weeks. I can't sleep, I've lost interest in things, and sometimes I have thoughts of ending my life. I'd like some help."

For a parent who prefers Chinese, the same words are:

“我最近情绪很低落，已经有几个星期了。我睡不好，对什么都没兴趣，有时候会想到不想活。我想得到帮助。”

To a helpline:

You don't need to prepare anything. You can say, "I don't know where to start; I just feel awful." The person answering will guide you. If you can't speak at all, it's fine to cry for a while.

4. What to prepare before seeing a GP

Many people get nervous in the consulting room and forget half of what they meant to say. It can help to jot down a few points on your phone or on paper beforehand:

1.     How long have I been feeling low?

2.     What has changed in my sleep, appetite and energy?

3.     Am I having suicidal thoughts? How often? Have I thought about how I would do it?

4.     What has been happening in my life recently?

5.     What medicines am I taking, including herbal remedies and supplements? Am I drinking?

6.     What help would I most like?

If you're worried you won't explain clearly, hand the note straight to the doctor. If you'd like, ask someone you trust to come with you.

5. The other person's reaction may not be perfect

When you speak up, the other person may freeze, cry or say something unhelpful, like "How can you think like that?" or "Think of your parents."

These reactions usually come from shock and fear, not from not caring. Give them a little time, and be patient with yourself. You can tell them: "I don't need you to talk me out of it. I just need you to stay with me."

If their reaction really hurts you, remember: it means they may not be the right person right now, not that you were wrong to ask for help. Try someone else, or contact a professional service directly.

6. Leave room for yourself when you speak

You don't have to say everything at once. You can say it over several conversations, say part of it first, or start in writing. You can say: "That's all I want to say for now."

Nor do you have to say it well. Stumbling, crying, contradicting yourself: none of it matters. What matters is not how clearly you speak, but letting another person know you need help.

7. Speaking up in writing

For many people, typing is easier than talking. You don't have to look the other person in the eye or worry about your voice shaking; you can think before you send, and put the phone down afterwards.

If you usually use WhatsApp, WeChat or text messages, you could try:

"Are you around? I've been in a bad way and there's something I want to tell you, but I don't know how to start."

"I've been struggling lately, and sometimes I have thoughts of not wanting to live. I'm a bit scared and I wanted you to know."

"If you're free today, could you give me a call? I'd like to hear your voice."

After you send it, the other person may not reply straight away. That's normal; they may be busy, or need a moment to think how to respond. If you feel urgent or in danger, don't just wait for a reply; contact a helpline or emergency services at the same time.

Writing can help with doctors too. Many GP surgeries take requests through online forms or apps. Writing "I'm having suicidal thoughts" in the form can help the surgery judge how urgent it is (booking systems vary by surgery). If you feel you are in danger today, don't wait for an online appointment; call NHS 111 or 999 directly.

8. Bridging language and cultural distance

For people who grew up in another language and culture, or whose parents did, speaking up can have an extra layer of difficulty: not knowing how to describe feelings in English, and worrying that a British doctor won't understand their background.

Some suggestions:

•       Ask for an interpreter. It is your right, not a nuisance. Professional interpreters must keep what you say confidential.

•       Keep it simple. Plain words are enough: "I feel very sad." "I can't sleep." "I don't want to live."

•       Explain your background. For example, "My family are in China and I'm here alone," or "In our culture it's very hard to talk about this." A good doctor will treat this as important information.

•       Bring a written note. Write the questions from section 4 in English and Chinese, and hand them to the doctor.

If you don't feel understood the first time, don't conclude that "British doctors don't understand us". You can ask to see a different doctor, or go back with someone you trust.

A Line from the Classics

"It is human nature to hate death and love life. Tell people what has gone wrong, explain what will help, guide them towards what suits them, and open up what pains them." (Lingshu, "Teachings Passed Down")

In plain words: "open up what pains them" means letting pain be spoken and understood.

One Thing You Can Do Today

In your phone's notes, write one sentence you would be willing to say to someone. You don't have to send it today; just write it down.

Understanding Yourself

What has been stopping me from speaking up? If that worry didn't exist, whom would I most want to tell, and what would I say?

 

Chapter 10　What Can Chinese and Western Medicine Each Offer?

1. No assumptions about which treats the "root" and which the "branches"

You often hear: "Western medicine treats the symptoms, Chinese medicine treats the root cause." Or the opposite: "Chinese medicine isn't scientific; only Western medicine works."

When it comes to suicidal thoughts and serious emotional problems, neither claim is helpful. Different approaches each have their uses and their limits. We should judge them by the specific problem and the research evidence, not by a conclusion decided in advance.

More importantly: in a crisis, safety and urgent professional help come first. Every other approach should build on that.

2. An overview of the help available

Approach	Possible benefits	Limits and risks
Crisis support and safety planning	Deals with immediate danger and connects you with support	Needs follow-up treatment and ongoing support
Psychological therapy (such as CBT)	Helps with emotions, thinking patterns, trauma and practical problems; well supported by research	You need the right type of therapy and therapist; therapy may temporarily stir up painful feelings
Antidepressants and other psychiatric medicines	Effective for some people with depression and related conditions	Take time to work; may have side effects; young people need close monitoring early in treatment
Chinese medicine pattern differentiation and herbs	Offers a traditional approach to mind–body care	Insufficient evidence that it directly reduces suicide risk; may interact with Western medicines; quality and ingredients need care
Acupuncture	Some research on supporting symptoms such as sleep problems and pain, but evidence is generally low quality	Cannot replace suicide risk assessment or crisis care
Tai Chi, Baduanjin, meditation, regular exercise	May help some people with everyday mood and sleep	Cannot replace crisis care; adjust to your condition

3. Psychological therapy

Psychological therapy means working with a trained therapist through conversation to understand and manage your emotions, thoughts and behaviour. Common types include cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), interpersonal therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT).

Therapy is not "just a chat"; it is a structured process with goals. Many people learn to recognise their thinking traps, find new ways to cope and work through past trauma.

In England, free psychological therapy is available through NHS Talking Therapies, and in many areas you can refer yourself without seeing a GP. If expressing yourself in English is hard, you can ask whether an interpreter can be arranged, or look for a therapist who works in Chinese (availability of Chinese-speaking therapists and interpreters varies by area and service, so ask the provider). In London, the Chinese Mental Health Association also offers mental health services for Chinese people, and you can contact it yourself.

4. Medication

For moderate to severe depression and some other conditions, a doctor may suggest an antidepressant or other medicine. A few things to know:

•       They take time to work. Most antidepressants take a few weeks to show a clear effect; don't give up because you feel nothing in the first few days.

•       There may be side effects. Some are more noticeable at the start and ease later. Discuss any concerns with your doctor.

•       Young people need particular care. For young people, especially those under 25, the early weeks of antidepressant treatment need closer follow-up, because a small number may experience worsening suicidal thoughts at this stage. The prescriber will decide follow-up arrangements according to current guidance. If this happens, contact your doctor immediately.

•       Don't stop on your own. Stopping suddenly can cause unpleasant effects or relapse. Talk to your doctor before stopping or changing medicine.

5. Chinese medicine

This book quotes the Huangdi Neijing many times because the ancients' observations about emotion, mind and body still offer insight today. But when it comes to treatment, we need to be realistic.

Chinese medicine may approach emotional problems in terms of "liver qi stagnation" or "heart and spleen deficiency", using herbal medicine or acupuncture. Some people find these helpful for sleep or physical discomfort.

But it must be said clearly:

•       There is currently no reliable evidence that herbal medicine or acupuncture directly reduces suicide risk. In a crisis, Chinese medicine cannot replace emergency care or psychiatric assessment.

•       A properly qualified practitioner may consider certain Chinese patent or herbal medicines based on pattern differentiation, but indications and cautions are set by the product information and medical advice. Don't choose products yourself.

•       Herbal medicines can interact with Western medicines. If you take antidepressants or other medicines, tell your doctor and pharmacist before using herbal medicine.

•       In the UK, choose Chinese patent medicines that carry the THR (Traditional Herbal Registration) mark. The UK currently has no single statutory register for practitioners of Chinese medicine, so check a practitioner's qualifications and professional body.

6. Mind–body practices

Tai Chi, Baduanjin, sitting meditation, walking and regular exercise may help many people's everyday mood and sleep. They are simple, safe and inexpensive, and suit long-term self-care.

But when your mood is extremely low, even getting out of bed may be hard, and there's no need to force yourself to practise. When you feel a little better, start very small, say five minutes a day.

7. Common myths

Myth 1: "Speaking up means burdening others." The people around you would much rather know about your pain now than regret not knowing after losing you.

Myth 2: "Seeing a mental health professional means I'm mad." Seeking psychological help is as normal as seeing a doctor for a cold. Emotional problems are health problems, not character flaws.

Myth 3: "Even if I get through tonight, tomorrow will be the same." Pain rises and falls, and treatment and support can genuinely change things. Many people, looking back, are glad they got through that hardest night.

Myth 4: "I should be able to sort this out myself." Nobody can handle everything alone. Asking for help is not failure; it is a skill.

Myth 5: "Herbal remedies are enough." Chinese medicine can play a supporting role, but cannot replace crisis care and necessary modern medical treatment.

Myth 6: "Antidepressants are addictive and will dull my mind." Antidepressants are not addictive drugs, and they don't change who you are. Whether you need medication, and which one, should be decided by your doctor together with you.

8. The best help is a combination

For most people, help is not a single thing. It might be urgent support in a crisis, plus psychological therapy, plus medication if needed, plus the company of family and friends, solutions to practical problems and changes in daily routine. Chinese medicine and mind–body practice can be added as complements on top of this foundation.

Different people need different combinations. Finding the right one takes time, and teamwork with professionals.

A Line from the Classics

"The patient is the root, the physician is the branch; if root and branch do not work together, the illness will not yield." (Suwen, "On Decoctions and Wines")

In plain words: whether Chinese or Western medicine, treatment needs you and the people helping you to work together.

One Thing You Can Do Today

Make a list of all the medicines you take, including herbal remedies and supplements, and take it with you next time you see a doctor.

Understanding Yourself

What worries or prejudices do I have about therapy, medication or Chinese medicine? How much comes from real knowledge, and how much from things I've heard?

 

Part Five　Understanding Yourself Again, Rebuilding Your Life

 

Chapter 11　How Can I Come to Know Myself Again?

1. "Who I am" and "what has happened to me"

People who have been through deep despair often mistake what has happened to them for who they are.

Lose a job, and "I'm a failure"; get divorced, and "I'm unlovable"; fall ill, and "I'm useless"; do badly in an exam, and "I'm worthless".

But these are things that have happened to you, not who you are.

Someone who has lost a job is still a father, a son, a friend, with his abilities, experience and character. Someone who has divorced still has the capacity to love and be loved. Someone who is ill still has their thoughts, memories and meaning in other people's lives.

Learning to separate "who I am" from "what has happened to me" is the first step in getting to know yourself again.

2. Aspects of knowing yourself

You can begin slowly with these areas:

My abilities. What am I good at? What difficulties have I overcome before? What do people usually come to me for help with?

My needs. What do I need to feel safe, understood and valued? Are those needs being met right now?

My limits. What can't I do, or need others' help with? Acknowledging limits is not weakness; it is honesty.

My temperament. Am I more outgoing or more reserved? In what kind of setting do I feel at ease?

My values. What truly matters to me? Family, honesty, freedom, creativity, helping others, or something else?

You don't need to answer these all at once, and there are no standard answers. You can think or write about them when you are feeling a bit better, or discuss them with someone you trust or a therapist.

3. Don't let one thing become your whole self

Many people build their sense of worth on one thing, one person or one role.

For Sam, it was "the man who provides for the family"; for Jamie, "the son with good grades"; for Helen, "the capable wife and mother"; for Frank, "his wife's husband"; for Lily, "the daughter who makes her parents proud".

When that thing, that person or that role was lost, they felt they had collapsed completely.

One way to rebuild self-worth is to let it rest on more supports. A table with one leg falls over easily; with four, it stands firm. Your worth can come from your relationships, your character, your interests, your help to others and your love of life, not just from one role or one success or failure.

4. How you talk to yourself

Notice how you usually speak to yourself.

Many people are extremely harsh with themselves: "You're so useless." "You've messed up again." "You don't deserve anything." If someone spoke to your best friend like that, you would be angry. Yet we say these things to ourselves every day.

Psychology has a concept called "self-compassion": treating yourself as you would a good friend going through a hard time. Not indulgence or self-pity, but understanding and kindness.

You could try saying to yourself: "This has been a really hard time, and I've done my best." "Making a mistake doesn't make me a failure." "I deserve to be treated well, including by myself."

It may feel awkward at first; that's normal. Gradually, speaking to yourself this way will come more naturally.

5. Knowing yourself through relationships

We don't come to know ourselves in isolation; we also see ourselves through our relationships.

Sometimes the way others see you is more accurate than the way you see yourself. You feel useless, but your friend remembers how you stood by them in hard times; you feel like a burden, but your child feels safest when you are near.

You could ask someone you trust: "What kind of person do you think I am?" Their answer may show you things that despair has hidden.

6. Your body is part of you too

Knowing yourself is not only about your thoughts and feelings; it includes knowing your body.

When are you most exhausted? At what time of day is your mood lowest? How do you feel the day after a bad night? After drinking? When you're hungry?

Many people who pay attention find their mood and physical state follow clear patterns. Some are always lowest late at night; some feel most anxious around three or four in the afternoon; some are especially prone to dark spirals after a run of long working days.

Knowing these patterns lets you plan ahead: at the times your mood tends to dip, try not to be alone, avoid important decisions, and arrange in advance who you can contact. This isn't weakness. It's like knowing the weather and taking an umbrella before the rain.

7. Write yourself a letter

If you like, when you are feeling a little better, write yourself a letter.

You could write to yourself as you are now: "I know things have been so hard for you lately…"

Or write to yourself on some future difficult night: "If you feel you can't go on again, remember that last time you thought so too, and you came through. Please ring so-and-so first."

The letter doesn't need to be well written, and nobody else needs to see it. Keep it with your safety plan. In hard times, it is a lamp you have left for yourself.

8. Your worth is not your wealth, status or success

We live in a society used to scoring people: students by grades, employees by performance, businesses by profit. Even family gatherings often turn into comparisons of whose house is bigger and whose children did better in exams.

Over time, many people come to treat these scores as their worth: high score, I'm worth something; low score, I'm worth nothing.

But think about this: a newborn baby can't do anything and can't earn a penny, yet nobody would say the baby has no worth. An elderly person confined to bed can no longer look after anyone, yet their children still want them to live. Their worth was never earned through grades or income.

The same is true of you.

Chapter 5 quoted Laozi: "Your name or your life: which is dearer? Your life or your wealth: which is worth more?" Reputation and wealth can be lost, and can be regained. But you as a person, your experiences, your kindness and the bonds between you and others, do not vanish because of one failure.

In Buddhism, a human life is itself rare and precious. In Confucianism, you are your parents' child, your children's parent, your friends' friend. In modern psychology, a person's sense of worth should not rest entirely on outward achievement. Three languages, saying something similar: your worth does not have to be proved by success.

A Line from the Classics

"To know others is wisdom; to know oneself is clarity." (Laozi, Chapter 33)

In plain words: understanding others is wise, but understanding yourself is true insight. Knowing yourself is the work of a lifetime.

One Thing You Can Do Today

Write down three things you have done in the past, big or small. For example: "I moved to a strange country on my own", "I cared for a sick relative", "I learned a trade".

Understanding Yourself

If my best friend were in my situation, what would I say to them? Could I say the same to myself?

 

Chapter 12　Life Hasn't Got Better Overnight. How Do I Keep Going?

1. Recovery is not a straight line

Many people think that once treatment and help begin, things will get better day by day. Real recovery is usually more like this: a few good days, a few bad days; a good stretch, then another dip.

That is normal. Recovery is more like climbing a hill with ups and downs: overall you are going up, but there are downhill sections along the way.

When you hit another low patch, you may think: "I'm beyond help; all that effort was wasted." Please remember: a setback does not undo your progress. Each time you climb out of a low, you are gaining experience, and proving that you can climb out.

2. When the thoughts come back

Even during recovery, suicidal thoughts may return, especially at times of stress, poor sleep or a new blow.

When that happens, take out your safety plan: look at your warning signs, do the things that steady you, and contact the people on your plan. If the thoughts are strong, or you feel you may be in danger, get help immediately as described on the safety page.

The thoughts returning doesn't mean you have failed. It is a reminder that you need more support right now.

3. Give your days a little rhythm

During recovery, a regular routine can bring a sense of stability. It doesn't need to be perfect; start with a few small things:

•       Sleep: try to get up at about the same time each day. Avoid long daytime naps and put your phone down before bed. If insomnia continues, see a doctor.

•       Food: eat at regular times, even if meals are simple.

•       Activity: get outside every day for a walk and some daylight. Start with ten minutes and build up.

•       Less alcohol: alcohol makes mood swings bigger.

These may seem like small things, but they lay the foundations of your life. Once the foundations are steady, everything else can slowly be built on top.

4. Stay in touch with people

When we hurt, we often want to shut ourselves away. But loneliness makes pain heavier.

There's no need to force yourself into lively gatherings. Start with very small connections: send one person a message a day, meet a friend once a week, drop in at a community centre, join an interest group.

For people living far from where they grew up, local community centres, churches, hometown associations and interest groups can all be places to rebuild connection. If meeting in person is difficult, regular video calls with family and friends overseas are also a form of connection.

5. Tackle practical problems one at a time

Many people's despair is linked to real difficulties: debt, unemployment, housing, legal disputes, the strain of caring for family. These problems don't disappear because your mood improves; they need to be tackled one by one.

A practical method:

1.     Write down everything that is worrying you.

2.     Separate what can be changed from what can't be changed for now.

3.     From the things that can be changed, pick the smallest, easiest one and do it first.

4.     When you don't understand something, ask a professional for help.

In the UK, many practical problems have free advice services. For example, for debt you can contact StepChange, National Debtline or Citizens Advice; for housing and benefits, Citizens Advice or your local council; for legal problems, find out whether you are eligible for legal aid (eligibility and services are as published by each organisation).

You don't have to solve everything at once. Each problem solved is one less stone weighing on your heart.

6. Stick with treatment, and allow it to be adjusted

Psychological therapy and medication both take time. Sometimes the first type of therapy, the first therapist or the first medicine is not the best fit for you.

If treatment doesn't seem to be helping, or you don't get on with your therapist, don't simply give up. Tell your doctor or therapist, and discuss how to adjust things together.

7. Be patient with yourself

After a serious physical injury, recovery takes months or longer, and nobody expects someone with a broken leg to go running the next day. Wounds of the heart need time too.

Please allow yourself to go slowly. If today is a little better than yesterday, that is worth recognising. If today is worse than yesterday, that's all right; you can try again tomorrow.

8. Prepare for the next low

After coming through one low, many people are afraid: what if I end up back there?

That fear is understandable. Rather than living in fear, it helps to prepare, just as people who live by the sea fit storm shutters.

Know your early signs. Think back: before things got really bad last time, what changed? Perhaps sleep went first, or you stopped replying to messages, or you drank more, or you kept feeling like a burden. Add these to your safety plan.

Agree a relapse plan with your doctor. If early signs appear, what should you do first? When should you contact the doctor? Does medication need adjusting? These things can be worked out while you are well.

Let the people around you know your signs. Tell one or two people you trust: "If you notice me starting to do such-and-such again, please ask me how I am." Sometimes others notice changes before we do.

Don't stop treatment just because you feel better. Many people stop medication or therapy as soon as they improve. Talk to your doctor first and adjust gradually as advised.

A low may come again, but you won't be facing it for the first time. You know what it looks like, who to contact, and that it will pass.

9. Setting standards that fit you

Chapter 5 talked about "taking one step back". Here are some practical ways to do it.

Sort what you demand of yourself. Take a sheet of paper, write down everything you currently expect of yourself, and sort it into three groups:

1.     Must do: for example, taking medication as prescribed, eating regular meals, staying safe, looking after young children.

2.     Good to do: for example, finishing work on time, keeping the home tidy, exercising each week.

3.     Can put down for now: for example, a promotion, a bigger home, impressing relatives, being a "perfect" parent or child.

During recovery, put your energy into the first group first. Do what you can of the second. Leave the third aside for now, and look at it again later.

Set goals that fit your body and circumstances. For a man in his sixties with a bad back, a ten-minute walk is an excellent result; for a mother with a new baby, four hours of unbroken sleep is worth celebrating. Don't measure today's self against other people's standards, or against your own best days in the past.

Break big goals into small ones. "Pay off all my debts" is too big; it could become "phone a debt advice service this week". "Get back to who I used to be" is too far away; it could become "go out and see one friend this weekend".

Allow life to become simpler. A less stressful job, a cheaper place to live, fewer social obligations, sharing some responsibilities with others. These changes may feel like "losing face", but which matters more, face or health?

Talk it over with your family. Many people are afraid to lower their standards because they fear disappointing their family. In fact, once they know the truth, many families say: "We just want you to be well." Telling them about your situation and your plans, and involving them, is often far easier than trying to guess what they think on your own.

Lowering your expectations is not giving up or admitting defeat. It is recognising: I am a limited human being, and I need to live according to the strength I really have.

A Line from the Classics

"Without accumulating small steps, you cannot travel a thousand miles." (Xunzi, "An Exhortation to Learning")

In plain words: recovery is like this too. Every small step forward carries you further.

One Thing You Can Do Today

From your list of worries, pick the smallest thing and take the first step today, even if it is just looking up a phone number.

Understanding Yourself

How far have I come on this road to recovery? Are there changes I haven't even noticed myself?

 

Chapter 13　Finding Meaning in Life Again

1. Meaning doesn't have to be grand

When people talk about "the meaning of life", many think of something grand: building a great career, changing the world, being remembered by history. By that standard, most people would feel their lives had no meaning.

But meaning isn't necessarily grand. For many people, it is hidden in ordinary places:

•       making breakfast for the family in the morning;

•       an hour on the phone with an old friend;

•       watching flowers you planted come into bloom;

•       taking in a parcel for a neighbour;

•       learning a new dish;

•       hearing a song that moves you;

•       watching children play in the park.

These moments seem small, but they give life warmth.

2. Some directions in which to look

Everyone finds meaning differently. You could think about these directions:

Relationships: family, friendship, love, connections with neighbours and colleagues. Your place in other people's lives is itself a kind of meaning.

Creating: writing, painting, crafts, cooking, gardening, mending things. Creating lets you feel you can add something to the world.

Learning: a language, a skill, an instrument. Learning lets you feel you are growing.

Nature: walking, hills, the sea, watching the seasons change. Nature often lets us feel part of something larger.

Work and responsibility: doing something well, taking on a responsibility.

Helping others: volunteering, caring for those in need, sharing your experience with people facing similar difficulties. Many who have come through despair later find strength in helping others.

Spirit and faith: religious faith, philosophical reflection, traditional cultural cultivation.

3. Meaning grows slowly out of living

Meaning is rarely "thought up"; it more often "grows" slowly out of living.

People in despair often want to find a reason to live first, and then start living. But it usually works the other way round: start living, do small things, have some contact with people, and meaning appears without your noticing.

Su Shi in Huangzhou did not first work out the meaning of life and then begin farming. It was through farming, cooking, making friends and writing poems that he slowly found himself again.

4. Your experience can have meaning too

Going through deep pain is not something to be glad about. Nobody should have to suffer like that.

But once it has happened, many people find it has made them better able to understand others' pain, more grateful for the people around them, and clearer about what truly matters to them.

This is not saying pain is "a good thing". It is saying that you can decide how you carry this experience into the rest of your life.

5. Life is bound up with relationships, responsibility, compassion and faith

Many traditions hold that a person's life does not belong to them alone.

Buddhism speaks of the rarity of human birth, and sees this life as a precious chance to practise and do good. Confucianism says that "our body, hair and skin are received from our parents", and sees caring for one's life as the beginning of filial piety. Many religions teach people to support one another and share each other's burdens.

I don't want to use these ideas to tell you "you have no right to do this". I want to use them to say something else: you are connected to the world in more ways than you can feel when you are in the most pain.

Your parents remember you as a child; your children are waiting for you to come home; your friends have thought of you at some moment; your colleagues, neighbours, fellow patients may all have received a little warmth from you. These connections are real. Even when you feel most alone, they have not disappeared.

Responsibility, in this book, is not a burden but a form of connection. Looking after a plant, a cat or an elderly person, turning up to volunteer, promising a friend to meet at the weekend: these small responsibilities often make people feel "I am needed".

Compassion is not only for others. Buddhism speaks of compassion, Confucianism of humaneness, Christianity of loving your neighbour as yourself. "As yourself" assumes you first learn to treat yourself kindly. If you can be forgiving to others, you can be a little more forgiving to yourself.

Faith is an important source of support for many people. If you have a religious faith, your faith community, or a monk, minister or other religious leader you trust, can be someone who walks with you. If some teachings in your faith make you more frightened or more self-blaming, please don't carry those feelings alone. Talk them through with a religious leader you trust, and with a doctor.

Of course, a person may also have no religious faith. Meaning can come from relationships, from creating, from nature, and from your own choices. Everyone's answers can be different.

6. Back to the heart of this book

This book is called When You No Longer Want to Live, and it sits in the "Understanding Yourself" section of the Health Garden series.

At the end, I want to say this: understanding yourself doesn't mean demanding that you always be strong, or that you find the meaning of life immediately. It means slowly understanding your pain, your needs and your limits, and also seeing your strength; learning to speak up when things are hard, and to accept help from others; allowing yourself to take your time.

You don't have to walk this road alone.

7. To yourself, tomorrow

Finally, I'd like you to do one small thing: think whether there is something small tomorrow that you would be willing to wake up for.

It might be a cup of your favourite tea, the next chapter of a book, checking whether the flowers on your balcony have new buds, or a meal with a friend at the weekend.

It doesn't need to be important, or to prove that life has meaning. It only needs to make tomorrow a little different from today.

Many people who came through despair say they didn't stay alive at first because they found some grand reason, but because of small ties: a cat that needed feeding, a call they were expecting, a book they hadn't finished, a promise made to someone. These small ties, day after day, kept them in life.

I hope you can find your own small ties too.

A Line from the Classics

"Virtue is never alone; it always has neighbours." (Analects, "Li Ren")

In plain words: you are not alone. There will always be someone willing to walk part of the way with you.

One Thing You Can Do Today

Think back over the past week: was there a moment that brought you a little warmth or peace? Write it down.

Understanding Yourself

What kind of moment makes me feel "life is a bit worth living after all"? Could I have a few more moments like that?

 

Two Maps

 

Map One: From Pain to Help

This map shows how pain may deepen step by step, and that help is available at every stage. It is only an illustration. Not everyone goes through the same stages, and you don't need to wait until things are at their worst to seek help.

Life pressures, illness, loss or a major change	→	Help: Talk to someone you trust; see a GP; tackle practical problems
↓
Emotional pain, loneliness, poor sleep, helplessness	→	Help: Book a GP; NHS Talking Therapies; 12356 in China
↓
Hopelessness; thoughts of not wanting to live	→	Help: Samaritans 116 123; NHS 111; your GP the same day
↓
Suicidal thoughts getting stronger; feeling you may be in danger	→	Help: Call 999 / 120 now, or go to A&E; don't be alone
Support and treatment → safety → gradually rebuilding life

You can ask for help at any stage; you don't have to wait until things are at their worst. The sooner you speak up, the easier it is to get help.

 

Map Two: Where to Get Help

UK

Situation	What to do
Emergency: you have hurt yourself, or feel you might hurt yourself very soon and can't stay safe	Call 999, or go to A&E. No appointment or GP referral needed. You can ask for an interpreter
Help needed today: suicidal thoughts are getting stronger and you feel you can't hold on	Call NHS 111 (England and Scotland: mental health option; Wales: Option 2); contact your GP the same day; in Northern Ireland call Lifeline 0808 808 8000 (24 hours)
You need to talk	Samaritans 116 123 (free, 24 hours); text SHOUT to 85258
Routine mental health care: ongoing low mood, poor sleep, occasional thoughts of not wanting to live	Book a GP appointment; in England you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies

For readers, or parents, unfamiliar with the NHS:

•       A GP is a general practitioner; registering is free. Even without a GP, you can call NHS 111, and in an emergency go straight to A&E.

•       GP appointments and NHS services can arrange Mandarin or Cantonese interpreters, paid for by the health service. You can say: "I need a Mandarin interpreter" or "I need a Cantonese interpreter."

•       In an emergency, first make clear you need emergency help, then ask for language support.

Mainland China

Situation	What to do
Emergency	Call 120 for an ambulance; call 110 if someone's safety is at risk; or go straight to a hospital emergency department
Psychological support	Call 12356, the national mental health support line (hours vary by region; most offer at least 18 hours a day). If you can't get through late at night and are in danger, call 120 or 110
Routine mental health care	Local mental health centres, psychiatry or psychology departments of general hospitals; school or workplace counselling services

 

Quick Reference Guide

How I am right now	What to do	Who to contact
I have hurt myself	Get help now; don't be alone	UK 999 / A&E; China 120
I feel I might hurt myself very soon	Get help now; move away from dangerous items; have someone with you	UK 999 / A&E; China 120 / 110
Suicidal thoughts are getting stronger; I can't hold on much longer	Get help today; don't drink; don't be alone	UK NHS 111 / GP; NI Lifeline 0808 808 8000; China 12356
I feel awful and want someone to talk to	Call or text a helpline or someone you trust	Samaritans 116 123; SHOUT 85258; 12356
Ongoing low mood, poor sleep, no interest	See a doctor soon; no need to wait two weeks	GP; NHS Talking Therapies; local mental health services
I am under 18	Tell an adult you trust; get help immediately if in danger	Childline 0800 1111; HOPELINE247 0800 068 4141; China 12355
I want to help someone who is having suicidal thoughts	Listen carefully and go with them to get help; call emergency services if they are in danger	See Appendix 1

Words you can send to someone:

I'm having thoughts of ending my life, and I'm worried I might hurt myself. I need you to stay with me now and help me get professional help.

我现在有不想活的念头，担心自己可能会伤害自己。我需要你现在陪着我，帮我联系专业人员。

 

Danger Signs

The three levels below use the UK as an example. In other countries and regions, use the equivalent local emergency and health services.

Note: These levels are only for choosing where to seek help. They are not a suicide risk score, and they cannot be used to decide who is "safe". At any time, if you cannot keep yourself safe, seek emergency help immediately.

Level 1: Call 999 or go to A&E now

•       You have already hurt yourself;

•       you have a plan or have started preparing;

•       even without a plan, you feel you might hurt yourself very soon and can't keep yourself safe;

•       after childbirth, you have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, or there are marked changes in speech or behaviour.

 

Level 2: Contact your GP, NHS 111 or Samaritans today

•       Suicidal thoughts are becoming more frequent or stronger;

•       you have started putting your affairs in order, giving away treasured things or saying goodbye to people;

•       you have suddenly stopped your medication, or are drinking heavily;

•       you are talking about harming yourself in online groups, or others are egging you on;

•       you feel you can't hold on much longer.

 

Level 3: Book a GP appointment soon

•       Ongoing low mood, poor sleep, loss of interest in everything (no need to wait two weeks);

•       occasional thoughts of not wanting to live;

•       you have not recovered for a long time after a major blow;

•       people close to you say they are worried about you.

If you can't tell which level applies, treat it as the higher level.

 

Conclusion

This book began with a page of safety advice, and I want to end with the same message: you don't have to carry this alone.

While writing it, I often thought of the people who once told me, "I don't want to live anymore." Some later told me they found the right doctor and slowly got better. Some said a friend appeared at the crucial moment. Others said there was no particular turning point; they just got through one day at a time, until one day they found they could laugh again.

Their paths were all different, but they shared one starting point: speaking up, and letting another person know.

If you are still in pain, I won't tell you "everything will be fine", because I don't know what tomorrow holds for you. But I do know that the intensity of pain changes, that circumstances change, and that there are people and professional services around you who want to help. Before you make any decision that can't be undone, please give yourself, and them, a chance.

If you have already come through the hardest part, I hope this book can keep you company as you go on: understanding yourself, caring for yourself, and reaching out again when you need to.

If you are reading this because you care about someone, thank you. Your care may be exactly the light they need most.

May every reader be treated with kindness, including by yourself.

Fang Tianliang

 

Appendix 1　For Family and Friends

If someone close to you has said they don't want to live, or you are worried they may be having suicidal thoughts, this section is for you.

 

1. Asking directly won't "put the idea in their head"

Many people worry that asking directly, "Are you thinking about suicide?", will give the person the idea. Professionals generally agree that asking calmly and caringly does not increase the risk; instead, it helps the person feel seen.

You could ask: "I've noticed you've been really struggling. Have you been having thoughts of not wanting to live?"

 

2. Listen carefully, lecture less

When they are willing to talk, the most important thing is to listen. Don't rush to persuade them: "How can you think like that?", "Think of your parents," "Other people have it much harder." These words may make them close up.

You could say: "Thank you for telling me." "That must be so hard." "I'm here. Let's work this out together."

 

3. Go with them to get help

Don't just say, "You should see a doctor." Say: "I'll come with you." Help them book a GP appointment, sit with them while they call a helpline, help them ask for an interpreter.

 

4. Make their surroundings safer

With their agreement, help look after any large quantities of medicine and other potentially dangerous items at home. For older people, you can ask a pharmacist to help sort medicines into weekly organisers.

 

5. When you must get help immediately

If they have already hurt themselves, tell you they have a plan or have made preparations, or you feel they may be in immediate danger, call emergency services (999 in the UK; 120 or 110 in China) right away, and don't leave them alone, even if they ask you to keep it secret.

At a time like this, protecting their life matters more than keeping a promise.

 

6. Look after yourself

Supporting someone in pain takes a great deal out of you. You need support too. Share the load with others you trust, or call Samaritans on 116 123 (or 12356 in China) for support yourself.

You don't need to become their doctor or therapist. You only need to be the person beside them.

 

7. If it is a child or teenager

Young people's feelings can change very fast. A public telling-off, an argument or a video that gets shared around can plunge them into crisis within hours. Some particular reminders:

•       Take every "I don't want to live" seriously. Don't say "you're just a kid" or "stop trying to scare us". Sit down calmly and ask what has happened.

•       Never humiliate or hit them in public. Especially not in front of classmates or relatives. Criticism can be given privately, once everyone has calmed down.

•       After a conflict, stay close. After taking away a phone or criticising grades, don't leave them shut in their room alone for long. Knock on the door after a while and say, "We're still a family."

•       Take an interest in their online world. You don't need to spy, but you can ask which groups they're in and who they talk to. If a group is goading people to harm themselves, help them leave and report it, and tell the school.

•       Stay in touch with the school. If your child is being bullied, contact the form tutor and the Designated Safeguarding Lead promptly. If school staff know your child is at risk, you have a right to know too.

•       Don't keep danger secret for them. Even if your child begs you not to tell anyone, when their life may be at risk, contact a doctor or emergency services.

If your child has said they want to hurt themselves, take them to a GP soon, or call NHS 111. If there is immediate danger, call 999.

 

Appendix 2　My Safety Plan (to fill in)

1. My warning signs (changes that tell me I'm getting worse):

2. Things that help me feel a little steadier:

3. People and places that can keep me company and take my mind off things:

4. People I can ask for help (names, phone numbers):

5. Professional services (GP, nearest A&E, mental health service, helplines):

6. Ways to make my surroundings safer:

7. My reasons for living (even if there is only one):

This form draws on the widely used Safety Planning Intervention developed by Stanley and Brown. It is best filled in while you are feeling steady, together with a doctor, mental health professional or someone you trust.

 

Appendix 3　Help and Support Directory

UK

Service	Contact	Notes
Emergency services	999	Immediate danger to life
Emergency department	Hospital A&E	No appointment needed
NHS 111	111	England and Scotland: mental health option; Wales: Option 2
Samaritans	116 123	Free listening, 24 hours
SHOUT	Text SHOUT to 85258	24-hour text support
Lifeline (Northern Ireland)	0808 808 8000	Free 24-hour crisis line
Breathing Space (Scotland)	0800 83 85 87	For people over 16 with low mood or anxiety
NHS Talking Therapies	Self-refer online (England)	Free psychological therapy
CALM	0800 58 58 58	Daily 5pm–midnight, for anyone who wants to talk about their mental health
Cruse Bereavement Support	0808 808 1677	Bereavement support, weekdays
Silver Line (Age UK)	0800 4 70 80 90	Aged 55+, 24-hour friendship line
Age UK Advice Line	0800 678 1602	Daily 8am–7pm; benefits, housing and care advice
Childline	0800 1111	For children and young people; free, 24 hours, not shown on phone bill; online chat
Papyrus HOPELINE247	0800 068 4141; text 88247	For under-35s, 24 hours
PANDAS Foundation	0808 1961 776	Perinatal mental health support, Mon–Fri 10am–5pm
StepChange	0800 138 1111	Free debt advice
National Debtline	0808 808 4000	Free debt advice (England, Wales, Scotland)
Chinese Mental Health Association (London)	020 7613 1008	Mental health services for Chinese people; self-referral accepted; weekday daytimes

Mainland China

Service	Contact	Notes
Ambulance	120	Medical emergencies
Police	110	Emergencies involving personal safety
Mental health support	12356	National mental health support line; hours vary by region
Youth service line	12355	Set up by the Communist Youth League; psychological and legal advice for young people

Information checked in October 2026. Phone numbers and opening hours may change; please refer to each organisation's official information.

 

References

Classical texts

•       Huangdi Neijing Suwen: "On Pain" (Ju Tong Lun), "On the Five Errors" (Shu Wu Guo Lun), "On the Natural Truth of Ancient Times" (Shang Gu Tian Zhen Lun), "On the Correspondences of Yin and Yang" (Yin Yang Ying Xiang Da Lun), "On Shifting the Essence and Changing the Qi" (Yi Jing Bian Qi Lun), "On Decoctions and Wines" (Tang Ye Lao Li Lun). English renderings are the author's own, based on the standard received text.

•       Huangdi Neijing Lingshu: "The Root of the Spirit" (Ben Shen), "Teachings Passed Down" (Shi Chuan).

•       Laozi (Daodejing), Chapters 58, 33 and 44; Analects, "Li Ren"; Mencius, "Gaozi II"; Xunzi, "An Exhortation to Learning"; Huainanzi, "In the World of Man".

•       Classic of Filial Piety (Xiaojing), opening chapter; Book of Rites (Liji), "The Meaning of Sacrifices".

•       Samyukta Agama (Za Ahan Jing), fascicle 15 (the blind turtle simile).

•       Su Shi, "Calming the Waves" (Ding Feng Bo).

•       Sima Qian, Letter to Ren An.

Medical guidelines and official sources

•       NHS. Where to get urgent help for mental health. https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

•       NHS Wales 111. Option 2: urgent mental health support.

•       NHS inform (Scotland). Mental health services at NHS 24.

•       nidirect (Northern Ireland). Lifeline freephone helpline.

•       NHS. NHS talking therapies for anxiety and depression.

•       NICE. Self-harm: assessment, management and preventing recurrence (NG225), 2022. Section 1.6: risk assessment tools and scales.

•       NICE. Depression in adults: treatment and management (NG222), 2022.

•       World Health Organization. Preventing suicide: a resource for media professionals. 2023 update.

•       Samaritans. Media guidelines for reporting suicide.

•       Department for Education. Keeping children safe in education 2026, Part one.

•       Childline. Contacting Childline.

•       China CDC Weekly, 2023: study of suicide deaths among Chinese children and adolescents (as reported by Caixin Global, 5 July 2023).

•       National Health Commission of the People's Republic of China. Notice on the use of 12356 as the national unified psychological assistance hotline number (Guo Wei Yi Zheng Han [2024] No. 259), 25 December 2024.

Research

•       Stanley B, Brown GK. Safety Planning Intervention: a brief intervention to mitigate suicide risk. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 2012, 19(2): 256–264.

For more information, please visit our website at theFTL.org.

Thank you, and see you next time.